this was the place where the only thing i had was my true-raw-self
the day before the race, saturday, i was exhausted. i felt completely lethargic, a heavy chest and smashed. i had done nothing for days - what the hell.
i went to bed grumpy, exhausted and sick at 7:30pm. at 1a.m. sunday morning i poked liz and told her i felt horrible. still exhausted and a heavy chest. what the hell should i do? it felt like she didn't understand. i went on and on with a full on pity-party in my head and sometimes out loud. at 3:30 when the alarm went off i drug myself into the bathroom and just put my shit on. still not knowing how to navigate and basically telling myself i can't do this ironman thing feeling exhausted. there is no way. liz came upstairs to the kitchen as i filled my water bottles. i stood at the counter and cried and said i can't do this....why aren't you telling me i shouldn't go. i feel so awful. you can't complete the ironman distance feeling like this. she convinced me to just go up there because I had to get my bike anyway.
my dad was waiting outside in his camper. he started up the engine. i kissed liz and off we went. i told him how i felt. he said "oh shoot - well, just see how you feel and try your best." then he completely distracted me by telling me a story about my brother.... i jumped out of the camper and onto the bus headed for the reservoir - in what felt like a flash i had jumped in the practice swim to see what it felt like. the water was warmer then the outside air. after a short lap i looked a guy and he said - "well, i feel a little more normal now"... i responded with "yeah, just a tiny bit". the exchange helped me a little less alone in my awfulness. i was searching everywhere for Yoli...but couldn't find the spark plug... i lined up where she and i talked about - and just waited with a sort of strange calm. looking to my right, i finally saw her right before the start. she just looked at me and said i could do it. it was perfect.
the swim went smoothly. i thought about how awesome it was to pull the energy from nature and feel it surround me and propel me through the water. my sports bra wasn't the best swim suit choice causing some drag, but i felt good and calm coming out of the water. that's one of the things i really like about this long distance race. i really like that it's long - that each second doesn't need to feel panicked. it was a pleasant surprise.
on to the bike...my ghetto, non-triathlon bike..... but it did okay for the day. i walked through the transition and got a huge boost of energy from my YTT team. i'm not a team person and don't even really like the team idea - but their is something special about the group Yoli has. they are kind, generous, encouraging and courageous. i enjoy all of them and their smiles and cheers did light me up.
my nutrition plan was to down a full bonk breaker off the bike and then use my steady sipping of hammer perpetuem for the first hour. i had no appetite and it was near impossible to even get down a small part of the bonk breaker- this was a small mistake but might have had a big impact. the first lap flew by. every hour i had a roctaine gu gel that had 100 calories and caffeine. it mostly worked because i supplemented with drinking perpetuem and water. i settled into my pace and was okay with people passing me on the bike. watching my heart rate and trying to be conscious that this event required i stay in a comfortable zone for a long time. lap two on the bike seemed to crawl and my nutrition plan wasn't feeling adequate. i actually felt hungry which i knew wasn't good. so i ate more bonk breaker and just kept pushing the fluids. i felt the heat too. at each aid station i would pick up a fresh water bottle and dump what was left of my previous one on top of my head. i did what i thought was well on the hydration but likely still just not quite enough - or maybe not enough salt. not sure.
lap three was a big fake out. i didn't realize that we had to travel a bit of out and back on jay road ... ugh. hot. up big hills. a lady next to me was complaining. i thought it was kind of funny because i knew the course and even though the hills at the end felt difficult, my family was waiting at the transition for me. keep moving. snow cones at the top of 75th were the best thing ever. riding back into boulder i did think about how i felt fine now - i mean, tired and ready to be off the bike and hungry, but not sick. was it anxiety that made me so physically sick? i think it was and that is crazy. how powerful our minds can be.
onto the run. this was my time. except i had no juice left in the tank. i felt good and happy but my nutrition wasn't strong enough to help me run the way i can. this is one thing i am bummed about. i can run so much better even completely exhausted but my hydration and nutrition only allowed me to drag myself through the miles. mile 15 felt the worst. i walked. it was stupid. but each time i passed the girls or liz, i knew i was one step closer to doing something that stretched me and helped me grow in an entirely new way. i crossed the line and was so happy.. i did it.
i gained a tremendous appreciation for the value of "quality" time. now when i get to see the kids before school because i'm not on a long bike ride - i feel so much more joy. when i get the opportunity to wake up and say - i'm going for a long run or speed work just because I want to - i feel so grateful. when i feel a sense of accomplishment on completing a goal, i know i couldn't have done it had i not had the support of Liz and not run into Yoli one random day at Washington park. some things are meant to be.
one more thing - will i do this again? at the finish line i said hell no. today i think probably.